| public journal; comment to be added |
[08 Aug 2010|01:35am] |
When I met you, you were on your back.
We still spend most afternoons like that,
but not for long.
I find myself enjoying you,
but you play these reckless games
you’ll never lose
as long as I’m around.
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[14 Oct 2009|08:11pm] |
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how can you tell me that your minds made up, when i see you throwing pennies in a well for luck. and for what, we're not stuck here, let's keep messing around and get in trouble like we used to, like we used to. how can you tell me that your minds made up when we're just eighteen, we're much too young to make decisions bout the future where we wanna for now, nothings changing now, nothings changing. my paper cut doesn't hurt that much you sneak under my skin like the first time we touch. you're not out luck, you just think too much. are you over your head or just holding your breath? why do you think you're such a mess? how can you tell me that you're scared to jump when you dove head first down a well for luck. and i saved you when you go stuck. you're not as scared with the people you love, oh how can you tell me that i drink too much, what's the fun in never fucking up? got no decisions bout the future, running through my head for now. nothings changing no, i'm not changing. this paper cut doesn't hurt that much, you sneak under my skin like the first time we touch. you're not out of luck, you just think too much. are you over your head or just holding your breath? why do you think you're such a mess? you're not alone, i found a friend in your demon so you don't have to see them. you're not alone, no you just don't know who you are. my paper cut doesn't hurt that much. you sneak under my skin like the first time we touch. you're not out of luck you just think too much. are you over your head or just holding your breath? my paper cut doesn't hurt that much, you sneak under my skin like the first time we touched. you're not out of luck, you just think too much. are you over your head or just holding your breath? why do you think you're such a mess? how can you tell me that your minds made up when i see you throwing pennies in a well for luck. and for what, we're not stuck here, let's keep messing around and get in trouble like we used to, like we used to.
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[28 Sep 2009|03:08am] |
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am i the only one who thinks clan's "death of neon" is a straight stab at gabe saporta. i need sleep
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[31 Aug 2009|03:18am] |
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so many days we were living the dream, i'd let you drive you would take the wheel. wondering if all this life's a game. like yesterday, you were always to me a memory fond i could never repeat with my head on the floor. oh i'm surrounded so i give up, yeah. walk like a gentleman and curse like a wave. we look so good and then you throw it away, cause we all got problems when it comes to the soul, who needs anyone? and it goes. i'm calling out my enemies. i'm giving up on settling. so many days we were living the dream. we'd walk around through the town and see people busy crowding up their days. but that would change it was always to me a memory fond i could never repeat with my head on the floor. oh i'm surrounded. so i give up, yeah. walk like a gentleman and curse like a wave. we look so good and then you throw it away. cause we all got problems when it comes to the soul, who needs anyone? but you just walk out the door and stand in silence. you know exactly what you want. but you're not sure that you can get it right. oh you never get it right. cause you are living in someone's eyes. walk like a gentleman and curse like a wave. we look so good and then you throw it away. cause we all got problems when it comes to the soul, who needs anyone? i'm calling out my enemies. i'm giving up on settling. so many days we were living the dream. i'd let you drive you would take the wheel, wondering if all this life's a game.
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[26 Jun 2009|01:01am] |
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tomorrow i am going to see my best friend :)
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[18 Jun 2009|01:10am] |
going to israel with ilyssa next summer :-). SO excited
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[07 Jun 2009|10:37pm] |
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i only ever feel annoying
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[30 May 2009|03:56pm] |
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i am a high school graduate
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[29 May 2009|12:14am] |
i'm still convinced i'm not going to graduate. this thought terrifies me and its definitely going to haunt my dreams tonight.
wish me luck.
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| i never use this. |
[19 May 2009|02:42am] |
graduation is ten days away. only ten days, i can almost taste it. after a lot of ups and downs, mostly downs, i've gotten here and i can't even believe it. there were so many times in the past few weeks where i almost gave up. i did give up but i had people who brought me back up. those are the people i really need in my life, the ones who bring me back up when i'm down. i'm on home and hospital, i have a teacher that comes to me almost every day for an hour and we work on stuff. this weekend i finished my final assignment. all i have left is my english final and then i will be done.
done.
it's so final. but i will be absolutely through with my high school career on may 29th. i can't wait to be sitting in my chair on bailey field and hear my name through the speakers. something i didn't think would happen last year. when i almost dropped out, i didn't even imagine graduating. it wasn't even a thought in my mind, i didn't care about it. i'm this close now, and it's going to happen. i'm graduating.
maddy is graduating.
it feels so damn good to finally be here. i'm going to get my camera, $$, and buy myself a plane ticket to see my best friend in the whole world, one who i haven't seen in more than a year. i miss her so much, and she needs me right now. it's so important for me to get there and spend my two weeks with her. i need it.
my senior trip was almost a disaster, but i came back up from crying at disneyland to make everything work to my advantage. anxiety attacks at the happiest place on earth aren't my idea of fun but if it happens, i deal with it. i don't have a choice anymore. i need to face up to my issues and deal with them, that's the only way they'll go away.
i'm reading a book. "hope and help for your nerves." i hope it helps me get my hope back.
since i've updated i went to bamboozle left. it was a good time with good people, lots of good hangs.
i miss a lot of people( . )
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[12 Dec 2008|09:30am] |
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happy 18th to me :D
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[07 Nov 2008|08:20pm] |
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tired and uninspired
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| i hate people. |
[29 Oct 2008|06:35pm] |
16:37] bewarecougar: so you know we pick up middle schoolers right
[16:37] felicia: yes
[16:38] bewarecougar: okay well there were so many today that a lot of people had to fit 3 to a seat
[16:38] bewarecougar: me and my ssiter had to sit with some little 7th grader who was on the outside, rachel was in the middle an di had the window seat
[16:38] bewarecougar: right so we were squished
[16:38] bewarecougar: this girls friend was across the aisle
[16:38] bewarecougar: and the kep.t.. pushing each other?
[16:38] bewarecougar: rachel got elbowed and hit in the stomach and the arm
[16:39] bewarecougar: and i got pushed into the wall because of it
[16:39] bewarecougar: so at the first stop we asked them to stop and they were like
[16:39] bewarecougar: "why... is it hurting you??" and i was like "no, but it's rude. show some respect"
[16:39] bewarecougar: and they laughed
[16:39] bewarecougar: and then i just was getting REALLY mad
[16:39] bewarecougar: so i was like "seriously, don't be so rude"
[16:39] bewarecougar: and she was like "you're rude"
[16:40] bewarecougar: and I WAS SHAKING i was so pissed off
[16:40] bewarecougar: they continued to push each other
[16:40] bewarecougar: even harder now
[16:40] felicia: wow
[16:40] bewarecougar: and iwas like "it's rude to push people into other people" and she was like "i'm not pushing you into someone... i'm pushing oyu into the wall"
[16:40] bewarecougar: and i was like "you're almost in high school, you need to stop being so immature" and she aws like "you're immature"
[16:40] bewarecougar: I WAS FUMING
[16:41] bewarecougar: and they kept laughing and giggling and thinking they're so cool
[16:41] bewarecougar: and one of them was like "we're kids... and you're kids too... so what does it matter. we may be immature but at least we're having fun"
[16:41] bewarecougar: and she aws like "weren't you bored anyway?" and i was like "so you pushing me makes me any less bored?" and she just laughed
[16:41] bewarecougar: and when rachel and i got off the bus
[16:42] bewarecougar: they yelled out the window BYE BYE HAVE A GOOD DAY I LOVE YOU
[16:42] bewarecougar: i was like
[16:42] bewarecougar: ...
[16:42] bewarecougar: it took so much for me not to punch her in the head
[16:42] felicia: some peoples children
[16:42] bewarecougar: my sister told them "i hope oyu treat your parents with more respect" and they were like "MY MOM DOESN'T EVEN TALK TO ME LIKE THIS" and my sister was like "well you probably don't push her into other people..." and she aws like "MAYBE I DO are you stalking me...."
[16:42] bewarecougar: it was fucking
[16:43] bewarecougar: ridiculous
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[03 Oct 2008|10:55pm] |
so it seems as if i've lost all of my friends. no one is worth my time because apparently i'm not worth theirs. i was not invited to my supposed close friend since 2nd grade's birthday party. just not invited at all. i don't want a pity invite now, though. i feel like shit about it though.
i'm just annoying. and apparently a shitty friend
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[14 Sep 2008|11:29pm] |
| [ |
music |
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Barenaked Ladies - One Week | Scrobbled by Last.fm |
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the first rule about fight club is you don't talk about fight club
the second rule about fight club is you don't talk about fight club
the third rule about fight club is it makes you hate your fucking life.
6 months ago she was right, i am the scum of the earth. i took a break from reading that book and got a snack, and i thought to myself, "wow maddy, you really are scum. what are you doing with your life?"
i am nothing, i am doing nothing.
i hate that book for making me realize this. but i still want to see the movie.
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[11 Sep 2008|06:12pm] |
7 years ago today i was in the 5th grade. i was at my schools daycare in the morning, eating breakfast. i actually remember eating hashbrowns when i heard it on the radio. my dad is from new york, and my sister and i have pictures of us in front of the twin towers (we're twins, lolzz). a lot of the kids at daycare at that time didn't know what was going on, they didn't know what the towers were.
but i did.
we talked about it in my class, mrs. waller asked who knew what happened. most of us raised our hands, but a lot of us didn't understand.
i am so glad i didn't know anyone who was injured or killed that day.
it feels like its been much longer than 7 years, though.
i hope nothing like this ever happens again.
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[25 Aug 2008|10:30pm] |
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music |
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CitizensFOB Mixtape - The Academy is… - Automatic Eyes - Suave Suarez remix (fea |
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FOUR DAYS! i miss her so so much.
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| young love is ruthless so learn to fight |
[19 Aug 2008|04:56pm] |
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music |
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The Academy Is... - Paper Chase | Scrobbled by Last.fm |
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beware! cougar! is my favorite song on the album, i thought this would happen.
its incredible i am so so proud of them. they've gotten so far.
( two )
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[12 Aug 2008|04:59pm] |
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music |
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Bidwell - If You Wanna Stay | Scrobbled by Last.fm |
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school tomorrow. what the hell?
i fucking miss lauren.
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